Hmmm… to continue on what no doubt will be a series of posts about parents and children… and adults and children in general….

Let’s see… how can I approach this statement I’m about to make in a ginger manner?

Feminism has been bad for men; and the practices of single mothers have been bad for boys who grow up to be men.

That’s a start.

It’s so interesting to see this interplay between women and men in the usa. Women are often petulant when it comes to discussing men. They will make snide comments about them. There’s a passive aggressive attitude that often comes out.

I understand that it is difficult to get and keep employment in fields which have been dominated primarily by another gender. People of a different gender have a different approach to their tasks, and sometimes there can be some serious moments where there is a falling out, only because the newcomer doesn’t fall into the same patterns of behavior, or have the same social customs which the people of the primary gender in the field have. I have experienced that situation myself.

But women’s snobbish attitude towards men goes beyond just their experiences in the workplace. It’s a lot more deep-seated than that.

What I have deduced is that the source of this social friction seems to be the decision of young women to, by and large, seek out the affections of older men when they are dating and marrying. Women thus adopt social patterns where they learn to act as the follower rather than the leader - as the beneficiary, rather than as the benefactor. Men on the other hand are taught to be independent and self reliant, and this gives them more ability later in life to exert influence in their society.

On the whole, women would do far better to seek out age mates when they marry. This generation gap in a long term domestic partnership is often really unhealthy. A twenty year old is at a different stage of maturity than a thirty year old, who is certainly not in the same place in life as the forty year old. The younger person in such a marriage can easily start seeing herself (or himself) as being mentally unstable - only because her youthful way of thinking and reasoning contrasts sharply with the more mature wit of the older person. The older individual, on the other hand, can easily start seeing himself (or herself) as a workhorse - he has more responsibility heaped on his shoulders than he can comfortably handle. None of these perceptions would ever solidify if those in the marriage were age mates. Certainly many people can make marriages work, even though there is a hefty gap in years. But many cannot.

Now, it is certainly true that there is a profound natural attraction between people of different ages. We are schooled in this sort of interaction as children. People with more years of experience in life adore doting over the young. And the young blossom under the care and mentorship of those from earlier generations. Because we tend to become bemused about all these different aspects of human affection, and many folks blur them all together awkwardly with the term “sexual attraction,” we tend to lack sound judgement when we choose a person to date… and some people even carry that mistake forward with them into the future when they marry someone - when there are irreconcilable personality differences.

So how does this relate to my first statement “feminism has been bad for men”? Well, the truth is, that young women who seek to marry for money, or seek to marry the dashing man in his thirties or forties are often hurting themselves. And in doing this, they themselves are responsible for the effects of that decision that they have made. They are training themselves to be followers rather than leaders. They are resigning themselves to a life of eternal childhood.

And the ironic thing that I’ve seen is that such women who end up getting a divorce after a bad experience with a man in this manner, if they keep any boys from the marriage - they will oftentimes perpetuate the problems which they see in male culture to another generation in how they raise those kids after their husband is no longer around. This is especially true when the boys enter their teenage years. The women who have been injured in bad marriages have a stereotype about men. And they try to fit their male children into the parameters of this stereotype. Stereotyping someone is the opposite of facilitating them. A person who facilitates a child does not see that child as a static individual, who has a predetermined future. A person who facilitates or mentors or enables, delights in seeing that which has not come into being yet. That kind person sees a bud and dreams about it changing into a flower someday - sees a grub, and is in wonder about the process by which it will metamorphosize into a butterfly. In contrast, a person who stereotypes, simply throws up her or his hands and gives up. A stereotyper does not see personal weaknesses in her seige as being cute, but rather as harbingers of bad things to come.

Again, I cannot emphasize enough that boys need good male role models and mentors, just like girls need good robust experiences with nurturing women.

note: When I am describing this disfunction I see in marriages, I am mostly describing the effects that I see in what most would call a “wealthy community.” In most large cities, I think people are more prudent about how they marry.